i feel as though as i am beginning to lose myself. i can't explain it, a cancer is eating away at my being. wow, most emo phrase ever.
the fact that i have nothing to say is an awesome example of my being slowly drifting away. my life is so uncertain that i can't even begin to sound even remotely like i have a fucking clue what i'm talking about.
i never make any sense. does anybody make any sense?
"my war paint is sharpie ink."
i'm just struggling to find the point in anything that i do, i'm on a one way road to nothing of any importance. what the fuck. maybe if i wasn't so typical, i didn't use to be.
i'm just growing ever so tired of my life being decided for me, but i guess if you want to look at it from a larger standpoint, my life will always be decided for me. i'm beginning to realize that society has me (and everyone really) in a vice, every year it squeezes tighter and tighter until you have no more control.
if i could have things my way i would live in the forest away from money and typicality and closets full of skeletons that never go away and hate and ignorance. i want to be surrounded by the beauty of the simplest elements. i want love. i want freedom and for music to be my savior.
mostly i just want a new beginning, i want to go a place where nobody knows me and i can truly become the person i want to be. i want to lock my past up in a safe and hide the key for a rainy day when i want to lay around and cry and listen to music to help heal an aching heart.
life is full of want. is anyone ever truly satisfied? are we always plagued with that insatiable need of wanting more. is true happiness only something we see in movies?
someday i know that i'll get there, i'm just a teenage dirtbag when it comes down to it and angst isn't just something that i find in music. i hope to one day look back on this period of my life and know that it helped me become to the person i will someday become. that being said, fuck this "being in limbo" bullshit.
am i too weird? or am i just not afraid to say what many others are feeling at this very moment?
"i feel it all."
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
all we know is all we are
well it’s 10:00 on a banal Wednesday night and I’m sitting in my own personal jail cell listening to this song called the way I am by some Ingrid chick. It’s exactly the type of typical “trying to be indie” kind of crap that I secretly love. The fact that I can stomach this song only leads me to the conclusion that I really do like a large variety of different kinds of music. All genres….almost.
alright enough, time for some nirvana served with a steaming platter of self loathing. I find it almost impossible to listen to nirvana and not end up hating your being or any being for that matter.
Today went by painfully slow, as will all my remaining days as the ayre’s family bitch. These next 7 days are going to be sheer torture. It’s just awk because I’m sure they know that I don’t want to be in Hinsdale anymore than I want to be in utah aka land of dry skin aka my death. At least the kids are going back to school next week, I’m running out of ways to entertain them without like lighting my self on fire and doing a little dance.
“do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight.” HAH, unlikely.
I’m in a very cynical mood right now, perhaps because I finished sloppy seconds in one day and that book is as cynical as Kendra from the girls next door is stupid. Hence, my cynical, sarcastic, and (sad attempt at being) witty @itude.
@itude, hah, it just goes to show that I can never cease to amuse myself. I’m probs my biggest fan when it comes to my humor, that’s kind of sad.
I realized that my life is kind of sad, not in a boohoo way, in a way wow-i-am-pathetic-get-a-fucking-grip kind of way. With the new year I’m going to try and just laugh at myself more. I do that a lot because I never fail to make myself look a lot less intelligent then I actually am. although I am trying to keep any sort of smiling slash laughter to a minimum and not because I am trying to be emo, but because my fake tooth fell off of my retainer and it looks bogus. I’m a girl, I’m allowed to get vain about missing teeth, sue me.
well its about that time for my bedtime antihistamine cocktail (as i cannot seem to kick this cold, man fuck winter in it's frosty ass) followed by some floor lounging while listening to third eye blind. Then I will watch the latest gossip girl that I downloaded from itunes and hate myself for watching it and giving in to my girly tendencies.
“serve the servants, oh no.” 10:22 pm
alright enough, time for some nirvana served with a steaming platter of self loathing. I find it almost impossible to listen to nirvana and not end up hating your being or any being for that matter.
Today went by painfully slow, as will all my remaining days as the ayre’s family bitch. These next 7 days are going to be sheer torture. It’s just awk because I’m sure they know that I don’t want to be in Hinsdale anymore than I want to be in utah aka land of dry skin aka my death. At least the kids are going back to school next week, I’m running out of ways to entertain them without like lighting my self on fire and doing a little dance.
“do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight.” HAH, unlikely.
I’m in a very cynical mood right now, perhaps because I finished sloppy seconds in one day and that book is as cynical as Kendra from the girls next door is stupid. Hence, my cynical, sarcastic, and (sad attempt at being) witty @itude.
@itude, hah, it just goes to show that I can never cease to amuse myself. I’m probs my biggest fan when it comes to my humor, that’s kind of sad.
I realized that my life is kind of sad, not in a boohoo way, in a way wow-i-am-pathetic-get-a-fucking-grip kind of way. With the new year I’m going to try and just laugh at myself more. I do that a lot because I never fail to make myself look a lot less intelligent then I actually am. although I am trying to keep any sort of smiling slash laughter to a minimum and not because I am trying to be emo, but because my fake tooth fell off of my retainer and it looks bogus. I’m a girl, I’m allowed to get vain about missing teeth, sue me.
well its about that time for my bedtime antihistamine cocktail (as i cannot seem to kick this cold, man fuck winter in it's frosty ass) followed by some floor lounging while listening to third eye blind. Then I will watch the latest gossip girl that I downloaded from itunes and hate myself for watching it and giving in to my girly tendencies.
“serve the servants, oh no.” 10:22 pm
oh seven
“so this is the new year, and I don’t feel any different.”
It’s true, it is now 2008 and I really don’t feel any different. But was I expecting to? I don’t think so, I cant really say that I was expecting anything. I honestly don’t see what is so special about new years anyways, like omg the year changed…cuz it doesn’t do that every year. Woohoo, let’s get wasted or some shit. Except I didn’t even get wasted.
2007 was quite a year for me, a lot happened and a lot didn’t happen. I went through various stages of finding myself, some of those stages (like the infamous slutty, stupid, bitch stage) were not good and some were. I guess they were all necessary steps in becoming who I am at this juncture in my life.
What really happened even? graduating, moving back to Evanston, and my baby brother being born are the only big milestones I can think of, that and like going to college and then leaving but fuck that. I’m trying to repress that memory. I drank a lot, smoked a lot, hooked up with dudes cuz I was a moron (and still am in that department…although I no longer slut it up like I used to), and I learned a lot about myself and what I want…at least I think I did…maybe.
I am glad that I made a lot of new friends, it's amazing how you meet people. thank you anne-marie.
I look back at 2007 and feel like some of it never happened. I look back and wish that some of it never happened.
I guess it’s stupid to be regretful about certain elements of 2007 because it happened and me wishing it hadn’t doesn’t change anything. I need to stop dwelling on the past.
I need to stop being so fucking emo, good lord.
Ok..new years resolutions
1) lose weight (duh) but in a healthy way
2) excersise daily, which I guess ties in resolution numero uno but whatevs
3) have more self confindence
4) not be so emo, i'm suffocating myself with my emonosity, seriously. even that phrase was emo.
5) learn slash gain more intelligence then i have already aquired (heh heh, that was me being arrogant)
6) not be a moron when it comes to boyzzzz
7) stop beating myself up about stupid shit
8) volunteer at least once a week
I guess that’s a pretty good list yeah? I feel like they are all attainable which is a good thing. I just need the motivation to get ‘er done, which is rather difficult as I am probs one of the laziest people on the planet.
2008….i wonder if it’ll be more exciting that 2007. I’m very much looking forward to see how it will unfold. 4:33 pm
It’s true, it is now 2008 and I really don’t feel any different. But was I expecting to? I don’t think so, I cant really say that I was expecting anything. I honestly don’t see what is so special about new years anyways, like omg the year changed…cuz it doesn’t do that every year. Woohoo, let’s get wasted or some shit. Except I didn’t even get wasted.
2007 was quite a year for me, a lot happened and a lot didn’t happen. I went through various stages of finding myself, some of those stages (like the infamous slutty, stupid, bitch stage) were not good and some were. I guess they were all necessary steps in becoming who I am at this juncture in my life.
What really happened even? graduating, moving back to Evanston, and my baby brother being born are the only big milestones I can think of, that and like going to college and then leaving but fuck that. I’m trying to repress that memory. I drank a lot, smoked a lot, hooked up with dudes cuz I was a moron (and still am in that department…although I no longer slut it up like I used to), and I learned a lot about myself and what I want…at least I think I did…maybe.
I am glad that I made a lot of new friends, it's amazing how you meet people. thank you anne-marie.
I look back at 2007 and feel like some of it never happened. I look back and wish that some of it never happened.
I guess it’s stupid to be regretful about certain elements of 2007 because it happened and me wishing it hadn’t doesn’t change anything. I need to stop dwelling on the past.
I need to stop being so fucking emo, good lord.
Ok..new years resolutions
1) lose weight (duh) but in a healthy way
2) excersise daily, which I guess ties in resolution numero uno but whatevs
3) have more self confindence
4) not be so emo, i'm suffocating myself with my emonosity, seriously. even that phrase was emo.
5) learn slash gain more intelligence then i have already aquired (heh heh, that was me being arrogant)
6) not be a moron when it comes to boyzzzz
7) stop beating myself up about stupid shit
8) volunteer at least once a week
I guess that’s a pretty good list yeah? I feel like they are all attainable which is a good thing. I just need the motivation to get ‘er done, which is rather difficult as I am probs one of the laziest people on the planet.
2008….i wonder if it’ll be more exciting that 2007. I’m very much looking forward to see how it will unfold. 4:33 pm
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)