survival of the fittest?

i was watching grey’s anatomy earlier today (i’ll admit it, I love that show) and in the episode I was watching, one of the intern’s father gets cancer and also has a leaking aorta and needed major surgery in order to live. For some reason this really got me thinking about life and I guess about death. Human beings are so…dispensable. We think that we are so fucking great because we are man; we’re invincible, the top of the chain, we are great because we control (well we think we do) everything. But if you take a step back and think about it do we actually control anything? I mean, our own bodies can decide to kill us. It’s bizarre one minute you’re healthy as a horse and the next you find out that a tumor is eating away at your brain. What can you control then? What can you do when you’re body turns against you, the one thing you think you have the most control over, takes your life in a direction that you don’t want to go.

I honestly don’t think people today really appreciate how lucky they are to be alive, really. Many of us will go through life virtually unharmed, sure they will have their scars and bruises just like everyone else, but really they get by ok. they’re the ones for which everyone comes easily, everything comes naturally and they never really have to go through anything that truly makes them appreciate being alive. They are man, invincible. But are you? Are we? Are we invincible because we are man and we have ultimate control? I honestly don’t think so; I don’t think that “man” controls shit. Can we control terminal cancer? What about aids or natural disasters? People need to take a step back and really reflect on their lives and what they can control and what they can’t. not enough people today truly appreciate the lives they have been given, how lucky they are. They are millions who are suffering far worse than many can even conceive and lots of these millions don’t get the chance to be able to beat it, to be able to survive. Some will say that it’s survival of the fittest and that those that are meant to live will survive and those who aren’t won’t. it’s nature’s “order” and it’s Darwinism and it’s bullshit. It’s not about survival of the fittest, it’s about luck and opportunity and chance.

I just can’t believe that people born with illnesses or born into horrible living conditions who die, die because of survival of the fittest. I’m not by any means “fit” in life right now and I’m surviving. Why? Life is so dispensable, it can be taken away in the blink of an eye, is that because of an order set by nature long ago, or it is because of fate? Of life working out the way it has to not because it wants to get rid of the weak but because it wants to prove to people that they are not invincible?

will i let the fear take the wheel and steer?

With every stage slash crisis in my life music has been there as a comfort, a means through which I can (to an extent) handle whatever phase of life (aka crisis) I am going through. Right now my phase (crisis) is that I feel like I am running out of time and it’s funny because before I could even begin to journal my thoughts, I had to make a playlist in which I selected songs that seemed to go along with this panic. I hand selected every song on here because I felt that in one way or another, they all had something to do with time and fear and the unknown but at the same time also having something to do with being ok with being unsure. At least that’s what they mean to me. But that’s the point of my music isn’t it? it doesn’t matter what any of these songs mean to other people, someone could look at my playlist and be think these songs have nothing to do with my “phase”. But I don’t care, they mean something to me and for some reason that comforts me…it comforts me that I can control my music and I can control what it means to me and I can control how it will help me through any phase of life that I am going through. I guess that’s the beauty of music isn’t it? not only are they a reminder of life but also at what a person was going through when they listened to them and how the songs helped them grow or maybe not grow. Another wonderful element of music is that as much as it can help you move on and become a stronger individual but they can also help you brood and be there like the sympathizing stranger you are always looking for but can never find. To me these songs are the comfort I need that I don’t feel I can get from others. While at this point in my life most people would be like “Meghan, you can get through this, life is a journey…it all will make sense in time,” etc etc, some of these songs are songs that I can listen to and cry and they won’t judge, they’ll just be there let me be upset and let me cry, while other songs will tell me to get a grip. And some songs might be on here for now reason at all except that I enjoy them immensely and they make me feel good. I can’t even imagine how crazy I must sound right now, referring songs as friends…but they are aren’t they? These songs and the memories and feelings that goes along with each one will stick with me forever.
The Songs:
• Lazy Eye by Silversun Pickups
• In Transit by Albert Hammond Jr.
• Blue in the Face by The Alkaline Trio
• Dinner At Eight In The Suburbs by All-Time Quarterback
• Sad and Lonely by Secret Machines
• Work by Jimmy Eat World
• All My Friends by LCD Soundsystem
• Cigarette by Yellowcard
• My Iron Lung by Radiohead
• All Apologies by Nirvana
• Dazed and Confused by Led Zeppelin
• A Minor Incident by Badly Drawn Boy
• Everything Changes by Staind
• Drifting Along by Jamiroquai
• Fearless by The Bravery
• The Sound of Settling by Death Cab for Cutie
• Everybody Hurts by R.E.M.
• Talking Shit About a Pretty Sunset by Modest Mouse
• Science Fiction by Everclear
• Running Out of Time by Hot Hot Heat
• Don’t Stop Believin’ by Journey
• Drive by Incubus
• Sleeping Lessons by The Shins
• Where Is My Mind? Pixies
• This Modern Love by Bloc Party
• Free Fallin’ by Tom Petty
• Portions for Foxes by Rilo Kiley
• Aeroplane by Red Hot Chili Peppers
• The Background by Third Eye Blind
• Under Control by The Strokes
• What’s My Age Again? By Blink 182
• Eleanor by Low Millions
• 24 Hours by The Sounds
• Perfect by The Smashing Pumpkins
• Intervention by Arcade Fire
• Colorblind by Counting Crows
• Your Eyes Open by Keane
• Open Your Eyes by Snow Patrol
• How Lucky We Are by Meiko
• C’mere by Interpol
• What I Got (reprise) by Sublime
• You Only Live Once by The Strokes
• All These Things That I’ve Done by The Killers
• King Without A Crown by Matisyahu
• Trying to Find a Balance by Atmosphere
• I’m Ready by Billy Corgan
• Bullet in the Head by Rage Against the Machine
• Dear Sons and Daughters of Hungry Ghosts by Wolf Parade
• No One’s Gonna Love You by Band of Horses
• Black Star by Radiohead
• Rootless Tree by Damien Rice
• Teenage Dirtbag by Wheatus
• Stupid Girl by Garbage
• Starlight by Muse
• Sleeping In by The Postal Service
• Time by Pink Floyd
• Landslide by The Smashing Pumpkins
• Under Pressure by Queen
• Where Are You Going by Dave Matthews Band
• Say It Ain’t So by Weezer
• My Life and Times by Zwan
• Cause = Time by Broken Social Scene
• 100 Years by Five for Fighting
• I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For by U2
• Crazy by Gnarls Barkley
• The Con by Tegan and Sara
• Straight Lines by Silverchair
• Heroes by David Bowie
• Somewhere I Belong by Linkin Park
• Yellow by Coldplay
• Roll On by Dntel
• My Doorbell by The White Stripes

time and consequence

I think my problem with life is that I feel like i am running out of time….that’s crazy right? I’m 18 years old, I’m young and alive and have all the time in the world. So why do I feel like the grain is running into the bottom of my life hour glass at such an alarming rate? Maybe it’s because I think too much, but when u have the job that I have and are alone for most hours of the day one can’t help but constantly think about life and about time. I have so many worries, so many fears, so many insecurities. Blemishes in my life that I know time will tell but when? What if I miss opportunities to do something with my life? I mean, what am I doing now? I’m a college drop out after six weeks and now nannying (aka everyone’s bitch) for three kids in a completely different place, living a completely different life than I was 4 short weeks ago. 4 weeks ago I was a college student living the high life…getting wasted, sleeping and eating a lot, excersizing (to a certain extent) and of course not studying or taking anything remotely seriously and what did I do? I quit, things got rough and I quit just like I ALWAYS do, I am a quitting junkie, I’m addicted to getting out when the going gets tough. Where will that get me in life? And now, now that I quit am I happy? Am I ever happy? At this point in my life I’m filled with regret and doubt and mostly just confusion. I have no fucking clue as to what I want to do with my life, with all my “time” and honestly that scares the shit out of me, that’s probably why I can’t sleep. When I’m not worrying about being fat, never meeting someone, and missing my friends, I’m worrying about failing at life and being a quitting junkie. What the fuck am I going to do with myself? Seriously what the fuck??? What are my goals? What are my ambitions? What makes me happy? What am I passionate about? How will I figure these things out? Will it all happen in time? Fuck time and all the stigmas that go along with it. I wish I knew all the answers, but that’s absurd because no one has all the answers. I guess I’m that person that freaks out when things don’t work out the way I want them to, or the way that I expected them to be. I expected college to be great, I was SO excited…I truly felt like the world was at my feet and that I knew what I wanted and my future was set. All college did for me was made me pack on poundage from alcohol consumption and make me realize that I honestly have no idea what I want to do with my life, not one fucking clue. That’s so incredibly terrifying to me…this is the age when these decisions are supposed to be made! In 9-10 months I go back to school but for what? to be what? to accomplish what? I hate this, this not knowing. People have said that everyone has this “fear for the unknown” well whoever said that should get an award…not. Thanks captain obvious, of course people are scared of the unknown and you want to know why? Because we can’t control it, I mean yeah to some extent we can because it’s “our” life and we control our actions and other various forms of bullshit but honestly…no one can truly predict the outcome. Take my life for example, I thought I knew what would happen, I thought I could predict it. let my tell you, dropping out of school and becoming a reclusive nanny was definitely not in my “predicted outcome”, not at all. Being grownup is awful…sure the freedom is great but the decision making, the “getting your life together” part is when life gets real. It’s like my whole adolescence I was walking around with this veil in front on my eyes, and now that the veil has been taken away, I am scared. God, if Caitlin or stef read this they would probably smack me for being so emo. I wish I were as strong as them.