time and consequence

I think my problem with life is that I feel like i am running out of time….that’s crazy right? I’m 18 years old, I’m young and alive and have all the time in the world. So why do I feel like the grain is running into the bottom of my life hour glass at such an alarming rate? Maybe it’s because I think too much, but when u have the job that I have and are alone for most hours of the day one can’t help but constantly think about life and about time. I have so many worries, so many fears, so many insecurities. Blemishes in my life that I know time will tell but when? What if I miss opportunities to do something with my life? I mean, what am I doing now? I’m a college drop out after six weeks and now nannying (aka everyone’s bitch) for three kids in a completely different place, living a completely different life than I was 4 short weeks ago. 4 weeks ago I was a college student living the high life…getting wasted, sleeping and eating a lot, excersizing (to a certain extent) and of course not studying or taking anything remotely seriously and what did I do? I quit, things got rough and I quit just like I ALWAYS do, I am a quitting junkie, I’m addicted to getting out when the going gets tough. Where will that get me in life? And now, now that I quit am I happy? Am I ever happy? At this point in my life I’m filled with regret and doubt and mostly just confusion. I have no fucking clue as to what I want to do with my life, with all my “time” and honestly that scares the shit out of me, that’s probably why I can’t sleep. When I’m not worrying about being fat, never meeting someone, and missing my friends, I’m worrying about failing at life and being a quitting junkie. What the fuck am I going to do with myself? Seriously what the fuck??? What are my goals? What are my ambitions? What makes me happy? What am I passionate about? How will I figure these things out? Will it all happen in time? Fuck time and all the stigmas that go along with it. I wish I knew all the answers, but that’s absurd because no one has all the answers. I guess I’m that person that freaks out when things don’t work out the way I want them to, or the way that I expected them to be. I expected college to be great, I was SO excited…I truly felt like the world was at my feet and that I knew what I wanted and my future was set. All college did for me was made me pack on poundage from alcohol consumption and make me realize that I honestly have no idea what I want to do with my life, not one fucking clue. That’s so incredibly terrifying to me…this is the age when these decisions are supposed to be made! In 9-10 months I go back to school but for what? to be what? to accomplish what? I hate this, this not knowing. People have said that everyone has this “fear for the unknown” well whoever said that should get an award…not. Thanks captain obvious, of course people are scared of the unknown and you want to know why? Because we can’t control it, I mean yeah to some extent we can because it’s “our” life and we control our actions and other various forms of bullshit but honestly…no one can truly predict the outcome. Take my life for example, I thought I knew what would happen, I thought I could predict it. let my tell you, dropping out of school and becoming a reclusive nanny was definitely not in my “predicted outcome”, not at all. Being grownup is awful…sure the freedom is great but the decision making, the “getting your life together” part is when life gets real. It’s like my whole adolescence I was walking around with this veil in front on my eyes, and now that the veil has been taken away, I am scared. God, if Caitlin or stef read this they would probably smack me for being so emo. I wish I were as strong as them.