dear catastrophe waitress

i feel as though as i am beginning to lose myself. i can't explain it, a cancer is eating away at my being. wow, most emo phrase ever.

the fact that i have nothing to say is an awesome example of my being slowly drifting away. my life is so uncertain that i can't even begin to sound even remotely like i have a fucking clue what i'm talking about.

i never make any sense. does anybody make any sense?

"my war paint is sharpie ink."

i'm just struggling to find the point in anything that i do, i'm on a one way road to nothing of any importance. what the fuck. maybe if i wasn't so typical, i didn't use to be.

i'm just growing ever so tired of my life being decided for me, but i guess if you want to look at it from a larger standpoint, my life will always be decided for me. i'm beginning to realize that society has me (and everyone really) in a vice, every year it squeezes tighter and tighter until you have no more control.

if i could have things my way i would live in the forest away from money and typicality and closets full of skeletons that never go away and hate and ignorance. i want to be surrounded by the beauty of the simplest elements. i want love. i want freedom and for music to be my savior.

mostly i just want a new beginning, i want to go a place where nobody knows me and i can truly become the person i want to be. i want to lock my past up in a safe and hide the key for a rainy day when i want to lay around and cry and listen to music to help heal an aching heart.

life is full of want. is anyone ever truly satisfied? are we always plagued with that insatiable need of wanting more. is true happiness only something we see in movies?

someday i know that i'll get there, i'm just a teenage dirtbag when it comes down to it and angst isn't just something that i find in music. i hope to one day look back on this period of my life and know that it helped me become to the person i will someday become. that being said, fuck this "being in limbo" bullshit.


am i too weird? or am i just not afraid to say what many others are feeling at this very moment?

"i feel it all."

all we know is all we are

well it’s 10:00 on a banal Wednesday night and I’m sitting in my own personal jail cell listening to this song called the way I am by some Ingrid chick. It’s exactly the type of typical “trying to be indie” kind of crap that I secretly love. The fact that I can stomach this song only leads me to the conclusion that I really do like a large variety of different kinds of music. All genres….almost.

alright enough, time for some nirvana served with a steaming platter of self loathing. I find it almost impossible to listen to nirvana and not end up hating your being or any being for that matter.

Today went by painfully slow, as will all my remaining days as the ayre’s family bitch. These next 7 days are going to be sheer torture. It’s just awk because I’m sure they know that I don’t want to be in Hinsdale anymore than I want to be in utah aka land of dry skin aka my death. At least the kids are going back to school next week, I’m running out of ways to entertain them without like lighting my self on fire and doing a little dance.

“do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight.” HAH, unlikely.

I’m in a very cynical mood right now, perhaps because I finished sloppy seconds in one day and that book is as cynical as Kendra from the girls next door is stupid. Hence, my cynical, sarcastic, and (sad attempt at being) witty @itude.

@itude, hah, it just goes to show that I can never cease to amuse myself. I’m probs my biggest fan when it comes to my humor, that’s kind of sad.

I realized that my life is kind of sad, not in a boohoo way, in a way wow-i-am-pathetic-get-a-fucking-grip kind of way. With the new year I’m going to try and just laugh at myself more. I do that a lot because I never fail to make myself look a lot less intelligent then I actually am. although I am trying to keep any sort of smiling slash laughter to a minimum and not because I am trying to be emo, but because my fake tooth fell off of my retainer and it looks bogus. I’m a girl, I’m allowed to get vain about missing teeth, sue me.

well its about that time for my bedtime antihistamine cocktail (as i cannot seem to kick this cold, man fuck winter in it's frosty ass) followed by some floor lounging while listening to third eye blind. Then I will watch the latest gossip girl that I downloaded from itunes and hate myself for watching it and giving in to my girly tendencies.

“serve the servants, oh no.” 10:22 pm

oh seven

“so this is the new year, and I don’t feel any different.”

It’s true, it is now 2008 and I really don’t feel any different. But was I expecting to? I don’t think so, I cant really say that I was expecting anything. I honestly don’t see what is so special about new years anyways, like omg the year changed…cuz it doesn’t do that every year. Woohoo, let’s get wasted or some shit. Except I didn’t even get wasted.

2007 was quite a year for me, a lot happened and a lot didn’t happen. I went through various stages of finding myself, some of those stages (like the infamous slutty, stupid, bitch stage) were not good and some were. I guess they were all necessary steps in becoming who I am at this juncture in my life.

What really happened even? graduating, moving back to Evanston, and my baby brother being born are the only big milestones I can think of, that and like going to college and then leaving but fuck that. I’m trying to repress that memory. I drank a lot, smoked a lot, hooked up with dudes cuz I was a moron (and still am in that department…although I no longer slut it up like I used to), and I learned a lot about myself and what I want…at least I think I did…maybe.

I am glad that I made a lot of new friends, it's amazing how you meet people. thank you anne-marie.

I look back at 2007 and feel like some of it never happened. I look back and wish that some of it never happened.

I guess it’s stupid to be regretful about certain elements of 2007 because it happened and me wishing it hadn’t doesn’t change anything. I need to stop dwelling on the past.

I need to stop being so fucking emo, good lord.

Ok..new years resolutions
1) lose weight (duh) but in a healthy way
2) excersise daily, which I guess ties in resolution numero uno but whatevs
3) have more self confindence
4) not be so emo, i'm suffocating myself with my emonosity, seriously. even that phrase was emo.
5) learn slash gain more intelligence then i have already aquired (heh heh, that was me being arrogant)
6) not be a moron when it comes to boyzzzz
7) stop beating myself up about stupid shit
8) volunteer at least once a week

I guess that’s a pretty good list yeah? I feel like they are all attainable which is a good thing. I just need the motivation to get ‘er done, which is rather difficult as I am probs one of the laziest people on the planet.

2008….i wonder if it’ll be more exciting that 2007. I’m very much looking forward to see how it will unfold. 4:33 pm

survival of the fittest?

i was watching grey’s anatomy earlier today (i’ll admit it, I love that show) and in the episode I was watching, one of the intern’s father gets cancer and also has a leaking aorta and needed major surgery in order to live. For some reason this really got me thinking about life and I guess about death. Human beings are so…dispensable. We think that we are so fucking great because we are man; we’re invincible, the top of the chain, we are great because we control (well we think we do) everything. But if you take a step back and think about it do we actually control anything? I mean, our own bodies can decide to kill us. It’s bizarre one minute you’re healthy as a horse and the next you find out that a tumor is eating away at your brain. What can you control then? What can you do when you’re body turns against you, the one thing you think you have the most control over, takes your life in a direction that you don’t want to go.

I honestly don’t think people today really appreciate how lucky they are to be alive, really. Many of us will go through life virtually unharmed, sure they will have their scars and bruises just like everyone else, but really they get by ok. they’re the ones for which everyone comes easily, everything comes naturally and they never really have to go through anything that truly makes them appreciate being alive. They are man, invincible. But are you? Are we? Are we invincible because we are man and we have ultimate control? I honestly don’t think so; I don’t think that “man” controls shit. Can we control terminal cancer? What about aids or natural disasters? People need to take a step back and really reflect on their lives and what they can control and what they can’t. not enough people today truly appreciate the lives they have been given, how lucky they are. They are millions who are suffering far worse than many can even conceive and lots of these millions don’t get the chance to be able to beat it, to be able to survive. Some will say that it’s survival of the fittest and that those that are meant to live will survive and those who aren’t won’t. it’s nature’s “order” and it’s Darwinism and it’s bullshit. It’s not about survival of the fittest, it’s about luck and opportunity and chance.

I just can’t believe that people born with illnesses or born into horrible living conditions who die, die because of survival of the fittest. I’m not by any means “fit” in life right now and I’m surviving. Why? Life is so dispensable, it can be taken away in the blink of an eye, is that because of an order set by nature long ago, or it is because of fate? Of life working out the way it has to not because it wants to get rid of the weak but because it wants to prove to people that they are not invincible?

will i let the fear take the wheel and steer?

With every stage slash crisis in my life music has been there as a comfort, a means through which I can (to an extent) handle whatever phase of life (aka crisis) I am going through. Right now my phase (crisis) is that I feel like I am running out of time and it’s funny because before I could even begin to journal my thoughts, I had to make a playlist in which I selected songs that seemed to go along with this panic. I hand selected every song on here because I felt that in one way or another, they all had something to do with time and fear and the unknown but at the same time also having something to do with being ok with being unsure. At least that’s what they mean to me. But that’s the point of my music isn’t it? it doesn’t matter what any of these songs mean to other people, someone could look at my playlist and be think these songs have nothing to do with my “phase”. But I don’t care, they mean something to me and for some reason that comforts me…it comforts me that I can control my music and I can control what it means to me and I can control how it will help me through any phase of life that I am going through. I guess that’s the beauty of music isn’t it? not only are they a reminder of life but also at what a person was going through when they listened to them and how the songs helped them grow or maybe not grow. Another wonderful element of music is that as much as it can help you move on and become a stronger individual but they can also help you brood and be there like the sympathizing stranger you are always looking for but can never find. To me these songs are the comfort I need that I don’t feel I can get from others. While at this point in my life most people would be like “Meghan, you can get through this, life is a journey…it all will make sense in time,” etc etc, some of these songs are songs that I can listen to and cry and they won’t judge, they’ll just be there let me be upset and let me cry, while other songs will tell me to get a grip. And some songs might be on here for now reason at all except that I enjoy them immensely and they make me feel good. I can’t even imagine how crazy I must sound right now, referring songs as friends…but they are aren’t they? These songs and the memories and feelings that goes along with each one will stick with me forever.
The Songs:
• Lazy Eye by Silversun Pickups
• In Transit by Albert Hammond Jr.
• Blue in the Face by The Alkaline Trio
• Dinner At Eight In The Suburbs by All-Time Quarterback
• Sad and Lonely by Secret Machines
• Work by Jimmy Eat World
• All My Friends by LCD Soundsystem
• Cigarette by Yellowcard
• My Iron Lung by Radiohead
• All Apologies by Nirvana
• Dazed and Confused by Led Zeppelin
• A Minor Incident by Badly Drawn Boy
• Everything Changes by Staind
• Drifting Along by Jamiroquai
• Fearless by The Bravery
• The Sound of Settling by Death Cab for Cutie
• Everybody Hurts by R.E.M.
• Talking Shit About a Pretty Sunset by Modest Mouse
• Science Fiction by Everclear
• Running Out of Time by Hot Hot Heat
• Don’t Stop Believin’ by Journey
• Drive by Incubus
• Sleeping Lessons by The Shins
• Where Is My Mind? Pixies
• This Modern Love by Bloc Party
• Free Fallin’ by Tom Petty
• Portions for Foxes by Rilo Kiley
• Aeroplane by Red Hot Chili Peppers
• The Background by Third Eye Blind
• Under Control by The Strokes
• What’s My Age Again? By Blink 182
• Eleanor by Low Millions
• 24 Hours by The Sounds
• Perfect by The Smashing Pumpkins
• Intervention by Arcade Fire
• Colorblind by Counting Crows
• Your Eyes Open by Keane
• Open Your Eyes by Snow Patrol
• How Lucky We Are by Meiko
• C’mere by Interpol
• What I Got (reprise) by Sublime
• You Only Live Once by The Strokes
• All These Things That I’ve Done by The Killers
• King Without A Crown by Matisyahu
• Trying to Find a Balance by Atmosphere
• I’m Ready by Billy Corgan
• Bullet in the Head by Rage Against the Machine
• Dear Sons and Daughters of Hungry Ghosts by Wolf Parade
• No One’s Gonna Love You by Band of Horses
• Black Star by Radiohead
• Rootless Tree by Damien Rice
• Teenage Dirtbag by Wheatus
• Stupid Girl by Garbage
• Starlight by Muse
• Sleeping In by The Postal Service
• Time by Pink Floyd
• Landslide by The Smashing Pumpkins
• Under Pressure by Queen
• Where Are You Going by Dave Matthews Band
• Say It Ain’t So by Weezer
• My Life and Times by Zwan
• Cause = Time by Broken Social Scene
• 100 Years by Five for Fighting
• I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For by U2
• Crazy by Gnarls Barkley
• The Con by Tegan and Sara
• Straight Lines by Silverchair
• Heroes by David Bowie
• Somewhere I Belong by Linkin Park
• Yellow by Coldplay
• Roll On by Dntel
• My Doorbell by The White Stripes

time and consequence

I think my problem with life is that I feel like i am running out of time….that’s crazy right? I’m 18 years old, I’m young and alive and have all the time in the world. So why do I feel like the grain is running into the bottom of my life hour glass at such an alarming rate? Maybe it’s because I think too much, but when u have the job that I have and are alone for most hours of the day one can’t help but constantly think about life and about time. I have so many worries, so many fears, so many insecurities. Blemishes in my life that I know time will tell but when? What if I miss opportunities to do something with my life? I mean, what am I doing now? I’m a college drop out after six weeks and now nannying (aka everyone’s bitch) for three kids in a completely different place, living a completely different life than I was 4 short weeks ago. 4 weeks ago I was a college student living the high life…getting wasted, sleeping and eating a lot, excersizing (to a certain extent) and of course not studying or taking anything remotely seriously and what did I do? I quit, things got rough and I quit just like I ALWAYS do, I am a quitting junkie, I’m addicted to getting out when the going gets tough. Where will that get me in life? And now, now that I quit am I happy? Am I ever happy? At this point in my life I’m filled with regret and doubt and mostly just confusion. I have no fucking clue as to what I want to do with my life, with all my “time” and honestly that scares the shit out of me, that’s probably why I can’t sleep. When I’m not worrying about being fat, never meeting someone, and missing my friends, I’m worrying about failing at life and being a quitting junkie. What the fuck am I going to do with myself? Seriously what the fuck??? What are my goals? What are my ambitions? What makes me happy? What am I passionate about? How will I figure these things out? Will it all happen in time? Fuck time and all the stigmas that go along with it. I wish I knew all the answers, but that’s absurd because no one has all the answers. I guess I’m that person that freaks out when things don’t work out the way I want them to, or the way that I expected them to be. I expected college to be great, I was SO excited…I truly felt like the world was at my feet and that I knew what I wanted and my future was set. All college did for me was made me pack on poundage from alcohol consumption and make me realize that I honestly have no idea what I want to do with my life, not one fucking clue. That’s so incredibly terrifying to me…this is the age when these decisions are supposed to be made! In 9-10 months I go back to school but for what? to be what? to accomplish what? I hate this, this not knowing. People have said that everyone has this “fear for the unknown” well whoever said that should get an award…not. Thanks captain obvious, of course people are scared of the unknown and you want to know why? Because we can’t control it, I mean yeah to some extent we can because it’s “our” life and we control our actions and other various forms of bullshit but honestly…no one can truly predict the outcome. Take my life for example, I thought I knew what would happen, I thought I could predict it. let my tell you, dropping out of school and becoming a reclusive nanny was definitely not in my “predicted outcome”, not at all. Being grownup is awful…sure the freedom is great but the decision making, the “getting your life together” part is when life gets real. It’s like my whole adolescence I was walking around with this veil in front on my eyes, and now that the veil has been taken away, I am scared. God, if Caitlin or stef read this they would probably smack me for being so emo. I wish I were as strong as them.

stages of insanity

sometimes i wonder if i'm going crazy....temporarily insane? do you ever feel like you're alone on this planet? you're thoughts, dreams, secret ambitions (not so secret ambitions) don't make any sense and no one can or will try to relate to you? this is something i think about. is what i want in life completely crazy? do i expect too much of myself? of others? will i ever know what i want to do with my remaining years...who i'm going to spend them with? i tell myself that this is a normal thought routine of us teenagers who have recently been forced to grow up (i.e. college or any experience that requires you to face your future...jesus). but sometimes i don;t know...the thoughts i have, the ways i feel, does anyone else feel like i do? am i going crazy or is the world going crazy? life is so complicated now......the world is like this giant mechanical device in which we all make up parts that make it work....everything is systematic and society has this instruction book of how we are suposed to live our lives... i don;t like that. i want to be me without feeling like i failed, but without being part of the machine where money is everything and sex sells anything, but maybe these are just characteristics of my own utopia. fuck, what is the world coming to? i often feel like i was born in the wrong decade, like i dont belong in the 2000's. the 60's and 70's would have been idyllic, i could have lived the crazy life and be so gone by now that i wouldnt have to care that the world and moral values is going to hell. jesus, i sound emo..forgive me, sometimes i have a hard time getting my thoughts in order